So my daughter asked me, “What’s your favorite holiday?”
“I guess it would be a toss up between Halloween and Christmas,” I told her.
“What’s your least favorite holiday?” she asked.
I thought about it, then said, “It would have to be Valentine’s Day. Everyone’s all happy. They have a lover, and nowadays with the freakin’ Facebook, they’re all gushing for the whole world about how they have the best husband or wife, boyfriend or girlfriend and their significant other is like ‘love you too, baby’ and everyone is like awwww, but there’s nothing, no one for J. Guy. That’s all it is to me -- a day of nothingness.”
It really sucks. Especially when you see on Facebook that so-and-so is in a relationship with -- who the hell ever? It’s even worse when the happy couple smile at you, their arms wrapped around each other in someone’s profile picture. Yeah, they’re happy. Must be nice. I wouldn’t know.
Well, that’s not exactly true. I was married for 15 years and enjoyed all the perks of married life. A tax break. Sex whenever I wanted it. Someone saying, “I love you.” You know, filling some deep need within me like from Maslow’s hierarchy or something.
I took it for granted that on Valentine’s Day, I was to buy her a card and a box of chocolates or flowers. I’d be at the floral shop. The florist would try to “upsell” me on a bigger bouquet. “You think she’s worth it?” the seller would ask.
“Hmmmm.”
“Sure she is,” she’d say, enthusiastically.
I took a lot of things for granted. In the final years of our marriage, I got lazy about giving her Valentine gifts, I’m sorry to say. I guess that’s one of the reasons I’m divorced. You know, it’s never just one reason. It’s like that old relationship status: “It’s complicated.”
Though I took my marital status for granted, I wasn't entirely devoid of gratitude. “Boy, I’m glad I’m outa’ that dating world,” I’d say to myself. “It’s brutal out there.”
Yeah, sucks to be out there. Well, that’s where I am again. How many times do I have to go to hell and back? Bad things recur in my life. It’s a pattern. A friend texted me. Sent an article about modern dating with apps and ghosting and shit. “Damn Jeff, it’s a brutal world you’re living in,” he texted.
The article talked about how Valentine’s Day is a common break up day for couples especially if it’s done out of revenge. Say, one partner cheated on the other. Other popular break up days -- Thanksgiving, Christmas, your birthday, some time in April or May when the other people, the pretty people, are getting married.
I had hell on earth in the early days after my divorce. To make it worse i didn’t even own a pony! Excuse me, my daughter just added that last sentence. Anyhow, for a while in those early days, all I saw on Facebook were posts about people getting married. I PM’d a friend. Told him it depressed me.
“I don’t know what to say,” he said.
It was cool. I knew he wouldn’t. I just needed to blow off some steam.
But after three years, I’m totally cool no longer being married to my ex-wife especially when my kids tell me stories like she listens to Fox “News” and 80s-style Christian rock on her car radio.
“I can’t believe I was ever married to that woman,” I say, shaking my head.
During the ‘16 election year when I’d pick up the kids, she’d say, “C’mon, Jeff, join the Trump train.” As if. Hey, if you wanna ride after rails on a crazy train, be my guest, but you’re not my problem anymore. I don’t have to go there with you.
Of course I’m divorced. What would you expect from a dysfunctional guy like me? One former girlfriend described my emotional intelligence as “messy.” This gets into some of the requirements women look for on the dating apps. Wanting a man who’s “emotionally stable” and the classic, “I want a guy who’s got his shit together.”
Then there’s the woman who says it’s “extremely important” that a guy is well off, financially. Oh shit.
It makes sense. Nobody wants a poor, dysfunctional guy who can do nothing but write neurotic blog posts and make YouTube videos blasting his evil landlord. Because I don’t own a home! Dammit!
And even if I did find a steady gal, would I want to marry her? A librarian friend told me, “You’ve had your starter marriage. You have to go for two.” But like most of the middle aged people on dating apps, I’m ready to settle down. But get married? No way. My old artist friend from Mullinville, Kan., M.T. Liggett, (may God rest his soul) simply dated the same gal for some 40 years. From the ‘70s way up to about 2016 when she passed away, with him following her around six months later. They never did ruin the magic by getting married. That sounds like a plan.
What the hell? Maybe I’m not so bitter. For all you know, maybe I’ve been secretly seeing someone or maybe just talking to her. Maybe we like each other, I don’t know. We’ll see, but maybe I’m just conning you again. Surely not. Really, would I ever BS you?
"Love Stinks" -- The J. Geils Band