(singing) I’m a creep
I’m a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
It’s another Christmas year
Dear _______,
Ho! Ho! And I mean HO! Have a holly jolly Christmas. It’s yuletide, but if I don’t feel gay at all because I’m as wasted as a stoned John in Disney’s Get Back, well get all the bah humbug out of your head. I mean, what’s all this lying around shit? So what if it got to 61 degrees today in Wichita. I mean, hell, Montana’s buried under four feet of snow.
So let me insert a video below to thrust you into the Christmas spirit. I love inserting things.
Santa Claus is Coming to Town -- Bruce Springsteen
If that doesn’t jolt you like a jacked up Ebenezer Scrooge carrying Tiny Tim on his shoulders after he woke up alive on Christmas morning in snowy Dickensian England, then you’re too wasted to find your way home.
What’s been going on this past year? Well, I celebrated a year, living the affluent life of a social worker with Senior Services of Wichita in the Meals on Wheels program.
Back in school, I didn’t show much talent for speech class, but I’m going for an A+ in real life. It’s like this. I made some videos for my YouTube channel and I thought they were a bit rough so I joined Toastmasters where I could broaden my public speaking skills. I’ve gotten better, won a lot of blue ribbons, which make good book markers. The biggest celebrity we ever had at one of our Toastmaster meetings was 2021 Miss Kansas Taylor Clark. I sat by her, which was cool.
Also, I started writing poetry, which I hadn’t done since I was about 21. That’s more than 30 years ago. It’s like this. My librarian friend Amber hosted this poetry reading night at Worthington Public Library and she told me, “If you don’t show up, I’m gonna kick your ass.” So yeah, I wrote something. Read it. That was cool.
My biggest hit in poetry this year was one I wrote for my friend, Heather, who was born in the ‘80s in Waco, Texas. She read the thing, thought it rocked. Most of my poems don’t rhyme, but this one came out rhyming. I guess everything manifests itself in it’s own way. Anyhow, here’s the poem:
Whatever I may have accomplished, I’m small-time compared to my bright – Youth Springs Eternal –- kids.
After a shaky start to post-secondary education, my son, Sam, finished this past semester at Grossmont Community College with…(drumroll) a 4.0 GPA!!!! That’s all A’s. An A for each class. And all this while working 30 hour weeks at Panda Express in Derby where he’s been given a raise and promoted to Head Chef!
He rents a room from his girlfriend’s family, also in Derby. Actually, my son is so busy with his young adult life, I don’t get to see him as often as I would like. This year was a milestone for him as a young person and me as a parent as he celebrated his 20th birthday. Being a parent has marked the best 20 years of my life. For Sam, what can I say? He’s lived two decades and from here out, life is going to fly by faster than the Shanghai Maglev Train.
Kenzie worked her first job, starting last summer. She got hired at Braum’s Ice Cream in our small town of Worthington, Kan. here in Summer County. The ice cream parlor is a hop, skip and a jump from our house on High Street so she could walk to work. But all those work hours got in the way of school and extracurricular activities so she had to leave that job.
She’s also involved in Art Club and theater at Worthington High School. She was in the play, “Clue” and she’s written a one-act play, which she wants to direct and see performed on stage this spring. Yes, Kenzie not only inherited the writing dream, she enlarged it. Some day, she’s gonna kick my ass and I love that.
Well, that's a little information about my children. Like the women my age on the dating apps, I already have children and don't want more. A bit old to start a family; I did that years ago and now I leave it to my grown kids to continue the gene pool if they want to. Anyhow, I mentioned dating apps. That's the main way I meet chicks. I've dated several women since I divorced, but none of it has resulted in a big romance. I haven't found The One, but that's cool. For now, I'm happy just meeting new people and being exposed to new ideas. New perspectives.
So I was on a date at Riverside Cafe in Derby with this gal named Jenna. She told me about her family, primarily her brother, Charles. Charles works at a tire garage west of Hutchinson in Mt. Cristo, Kan. He works with a fellow named Cecil, and Cecil and Charles hate each other. Charles called him an "asshole." There was something prescient in Charles' comment toward Cecil involving the anus for one day over lunch break while Cecil was eating a chili and cinnamon roles lunch with his chums from work -- the guys who like him -- Cecil went into explanatory detail about the medical problems involving his Alimentary Canal. Biology Online defines the Alimentary Canal as "a muscular hollow continuous tubular organ that starts at the mouth and terminates at the anus and is responsible for the digestion and absorption of the ingested food and liquids. The alimentary canal or alimentary tract is part of the digestive (gastrointestinal) system." Near the exit point of Cecil's alimentary canal, he was bothered by an acute case of hemorrhoids, the causation of an irascible onslaught of anal itching. Charles couldn't stand "the ugly sight" of Cecil, but he should've thought of that before he opened the restroom door at the tire garage without knocking first, for there, squatting in the air was Cecil administering Preparation H inside the business end of his alimentary canal.
"I wish to God I could un-see that," Charles said, ruefully.
Below, you will find an artistic depiction of what Charles saw.
And that's the story of my dating Jenna.
Well, that's all my crap for another year. I better get my ass outa' here as I'm sitting over coffee in a diner this Christmas Eve. But hey, let's be good to each other this coming year. We're all we have in this world. People can berate each other on the freaking Facebook over political stances, but where does that get us? All it does is breed more hostility in the world. I'm not saying I've never made a vociferous post about a social or political issue, but I've learned from experience -- don't post on Facebook when you're mad & don't tweet when you're drunk. It's like our friend, Ozzy, said, "Maybe, it's not too late to learn how to love and forget how to hate." Also, knock before opening a closed bathroom door because someone might be doing something gross with their ass.
The below video is from the 1969 CBS TV special, Santa Claus is Coming to Town, my favorite Christmas show when I was a kid. Jessica, the future Mrs. Claus sings a beautiful pop song and here, right in the middle of the Vietnam War, everything goes flower power. Also, as I noticed from early childhood, Jessica Claus had nice boobies and isn't that a couple of good things in the world?
"My World is Beginning Today"
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