Christmas Parody Letter 2025

Dear ______,

Merry Christmas to everyone the land and world over! I'm as happy as Ebenezer Scrooge after the Ghost of Christmas future scared the hell out of him & saved his ass from a bitter end. Eat of the yuletide goose. With turkey trimmings with chipiolates. Cherish the gift that gives over the centuries like when Charles Dickens lit up in his London home and said, "They're (Christmas trees) from Germany. Maybe, it'll catch on."

Well, I just finished another semester of grad school. All A's? Wouldn't you know? Ho! Ho! Ho! Actually, due to my putting projects off, I only earned an A minus and a B plus. What can I say, I've only been procrasinating homework since the fourth grade. It's a true gift to be able to return to school and chase a dream at my age. This is the right time because the kids are out on their own. Okay, Kenzie lives with me about half the time. The other half (sigh) with her boyfriend. I met him. He's better than the last guy, but still not good enough for my little girl.

Truly, being back in academia, I'm reminded of a girl I knew in college who practiced witchcraft and had the raddest Christmas tree. So many good memories. Hidden backrooms. Trysts. Sid Vicious on the turntable yelling, "I am the anti-christ. And I am a anarchist," ouija boards, and a rank, green odor followed by the sweet perfume of incense.

College girl's Christmas tree

I told myself that this year I would be more civic-minded. After getting down on myself for missing the last local election, I vowed it would never happen again. I studied the candidate responses to questions posed by the local newspaper, The Worthington News, and I based my voting decisions on a careful read of the responses by the candidates for City Council & School Board. I considered their records. In no way am I going to reveal who I picked on the secret ballot, but let's say, if a candidate didn't bother to respond to the News's questionaire, why should I bother to vote for them? Take me, as a voter, for granted and see where that lands you? The Bible thumpin' joker who was running for School Board? The man who just moved here from Mississippi and identified himself as a "Bible believing Christian who's against taxes" -- he didn't win a seat to park his fat ass on. In the spirt of contributing to our communities, Kenzie and I have been have been quite the social concious ones.

Kenzie practicing her Constitutional right.

Civic-minded in the free world.

My boy, Sam, is going strong in college. He's majoring in gaming and should earn his bachelor's in the fall of '26. He resides with long-time girlfriend, Ashtyn. They'll both be going to San Diego this fall as part of a gaming conference. It'll be an educational opportunity for them. He visited Fort Hays and Emporia State University years back when he was in high school, but ultimately went to WSU because Ashtyn was going there. So my boy and I are going to college together. Like his old man, he's a procrastinator. He started and finished this assignment the day it was due.

Sam at Village Inn.

Now, I'd like to tell you about a date I was on with a woman named Cherry at the Chili Verde. We were happily eating green sloppy chili over drinks when the subject came around to her brother, Claude, known for his rara avis flatulence. "Claude can fart the 'Star-Spangled Banner,'" Cherry said. But lately, his intestinal system. As usual, Claude can expel the most spectacular gas it's ever been your delight to smell. A man of technique, he has lately outdone himself with long, extensive rubber flapping farts that one could swear would last for days and shake the legs off kitchen tables. These could only be the tricks of a skilled flatulence technician who can adeptly adjust his sphincter muscles along that invisible line that separates a fart from a shit. But, you see, that's the problem. Claude can break wind like nobody's business, but when he attempts to use the bathroom his bowels won't budge. He's met with an incessant blocked up feeling. His farts are totally the shit, but he can't. The other day he felt a pressing on his bowels, grabbed a book to read, and ran to the bathroom, but when he sat on the toilet, he only farted. "It'll get better," Cherry said. "He's going to the doctor, Monday. Well, not really a doctor, but an ARNP. Her name is Jenny and she's pretty good. She helped him when he had that heat rash between his thigh and his ball sack."

Gary, Paula & me-WSU Rhatigan Center Starbucks

In other news, I've been hanging out with a new kaffe klatsch this year. I met my friends, Gary and Paula, while taking history classes at WSU. Gary calls me the "unofficial president of our club," but he is the true leader among the three of us.

Well, that's about all my crap for another year. Have a Merry Christmas! And if you're a college student, please don't keep dope in your dorm room. RAs can smell that shit and they're obligated to call authorities. So don't do something foolish that will go on your permanent record. Now, doing your homework while you're stoned -- haven't we all done that? Seriously, it's been a shit assing year.

Hatred, violence and worshiping at the altar of ammunition gets you nowhere good. Put some love in your heart, and let's make the world a better place in '26.

Merry Christmas,

Jeff

Christmastime Is Here!