You’ve blown it all sky high by telling me a lie
And my calling was thus…an angel of the LORD rode up to me on a flaming pie and exhorted unto me, “J. Guy, thou shalt be a preacher man” and it was so.
I have become a minister and I want to be your minister. Indeed, I am a preacher and high priest of a new religion, St. J. Guy Church. Right now, services take place in a revival tent on a patch of Edenic grass near a stream, left to me by my earthly father.
We will plant a church out here and God will bless us with a parking lot, children’s nursery and library. I’ve always been a proponent of education. One day we will have churches all over. We will also have a college and a tech school because some folks in our church will have to learn to build tanks, missies and spaceships when we help the angels fight the legion of Satan at the war of Armageddon.
Perhaps this would be a good time to explain to you the theology of St. Guy Church. Congregants call it original, but really it’s an amalgamation of the enduring religions of the world. Just as The Beatles copied everyone from Little Richard to Carl Perkins to Smokey Ro9binson, our church is a macedoine of religion’s greatest hits – evangelical Christianity, Scottish Calvinism, Turkish Islam, Hasidic Judaism, Hare Krishna, Latin American Catholic theology, African American Protestant liberation theology – all of it a rich, religious stew like an abundant beef and vegetable stew dripping from a man’s bearded chin and staining the Chiefs T-shirt he’s wearing.
I have truly created a religion that ties the sanctuary together.
We require baptism for membership in the church. That and signing a billion year contract and willing one-fifth of your possessions to the church. There are no youth groups, just Youth Readjustment Camps to help guard our young people from such worldly practices as hip-hop, high-rise jeans and binge watching Dead to Me on Netflix.
There are no abstinence pledges or father-daughter purity rituals in the Church of J. Guy. Women can hold clergy positions. Take my high priestess Maddie.
The first time I saw her she was hooked to a contraption that allowed her to soar across the room like a bird. Upon coming down, she announced that she is a feminist.
“I celebrate the vagina,” she said. “Can you say it? Most men have a problem with the word, vagina. Does the vagina make you uncomfortable? I am very proud to have a vagina. I love my vagina. I declare these sidewalks and streets my vagina’s country.”
And so she went on. I am Woman, Hear Me Roar, you know.
“The vagina is involved in the physical act of love,” she said.
Sex
Intercourse
Coitus
Knowing another, Biblically. As I said, we’re healthy and egalitarian in The Church of St. J. Guy. The polygamous relationships and concubines I have are given the scriptural stamp of approval as that’s what King Solomon did.
As one can guess, I didn’t go lightly into the ministry. I’ve led a sinful life and it was only with much prayer that I decided to head the ministerial call. So I prayed and prayed to God.
And the Lord answered, APRIL FOOL!
No, I don’t have the calling to be a minister. Really, would I ever con you? But I help people where I can and I strive to follow The Golden Rule.
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