By Jeff Guy
New York is a sewer.
A sexual predator for a governor. Coddling criminals. No more than 15 days in solitary confinement. Hey if they get permanent psychosis from isolation-induced delirium, that’s their tough shit. It’s prison, not a country club. But it’s an orgy of sin back East. Drugs? Hey, we love us some drugs.
We don’t want that filth in the land of tumbleweeds and sunflowers.
I was scrolling Facebook this morning. How I love coming to the unscientific opinion polls posted by the local TV stations. It’s always gratifying to read the enlightened views of our educated Kansas public.
KAKE-TV asked if Kansas should legalize marijuana as New York and 19 other states have done. All right-thinking Kansans should answer with a resounding NO.
We are blessed to have long-game leaders in Kansas -- guardians of morality, rifle and red meat eating Republicans who believe in chain gang justice, minimum wage jobs over Medicaid expansion, Right to Work over unions and Christian principles above everything. Answer me this. Would Jesus smoke the devil’s lettuce?
Marijuana is Satan’s gateway drug. Today, it’s taking a hit off a bong like Olympic gold medalist swimmer Michael Phelps did at the party. Tomorrow, it’s smoking crack, meth & shooting heroin. You’ll end up in squalor like Samuel L. Jackson’s crack house character, Gator, from the early ‘90s Spike Lee Joint, Jungle Fever.
I guess it’s cute when Eric, Hyde, Kelso, Fez and Donna sit around the circle in the basement of the Foreman house. Smoke waving in the air. Next, actor Topher Grace conjures the dark side of Eric Foreman, freebasing with the girl in the home of the nation’s drug czar, played by Michael Douglas in the early 2000s film, Traffic.
And where did all that “innocent” pot smoking get Eric Foreman’s girlfriend, Donna? She became Alex, the locked up drug smuggler going down on fellow prisoner, Piper, in Orange is the New Black.
It’s an appropriate end to a sinful druggie, one of the bad guys. (We, the guns and whiskey crowd, are the good guys.) Fitting because all pot smokers belong in prison. Such people can only do badly. First, pot smokers get all mellow and then where’s that killer spirit we want to send to Afghanistan? Second, they get the munchies and eat local donut shops out of house and home, thereby halting the invisible flow of business, which has to violate a federal law somewhere. Third, their eyes are red (assuming they haven’t applied Visine to their pupils). Red eyes are a symptom of COVID. It’s unconscionable that a stoner would walk the public streets, scaring the britches off people mistaking him for a COVID victim.
Pot smokers stick bags of grass up their asses, while incarcerated. We, the 45 loving Christians who believe marriage is only to be between a man and a woman, don’t want to go anywhere near the ass. Years ago, while working as a young reporter in a small Oklahoma town, my editor, Danny, yelled at me from across the room through the plexiglass barrier that separated. “Jeff, I wanna see your ass outside right now.” So we walked past the press machine, out the back door, took out a couple of cigarettes as we were prone to do in those days, and he ripped me a new asshole.
“Why didn’t you write a story about that guy in the jail with grass up his ass?”
I had only listed the incident as a bullet item in the sheriff’s report. Hard ass Pall Mall smoking editor Danny made me write a full news story. I gave the colorful journalistic details of how a jailer named Munoz -- a guy who couldn’t pick up a bowling ball without a burning cigarette in his mouth -- wearing plastic gloves, snatched the wicked bag from the rectal area of a man being administered a strip search following work release.
I reported on a crucial issue. How much grass makes it past the walls and bars of the county jail?
Clearly, pot, which I’m told stinks, and all pot smokers are a menace to society. The marijuana plant is not, as Lenny Bruce said in his memoir, “How to Talk Dirty and Influence People,” just a “flower.” It is, like heroin, a dangerous narcotic, and extensive use may cause your dick to fall off.
April Fool.
Oh, what can I say about the coming legalization of marijuana? Girl, we couldn’t get much higher.
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